The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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