Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
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