That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
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