Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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