I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.
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