I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
