He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Randomize
