Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
It's official drugs can't kill me
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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