can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
