I would go down on you faster than GM stock
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
Randomize
