apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Randomize
