I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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