i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Randomize
