Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Randomize
