Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Randomize
