If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Randomize
