When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I party with great urgency now.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Pooping to opera.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
