I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Randomize
