I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
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