Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
