My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
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