i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
