my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Randomize
