I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
