Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
