Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
Randomize
