My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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