I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize
