I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
