I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Randomize
