I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
Randomize
