We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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