My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
Randomize
