At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Randomize
