Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Ambien. No doubt about it.
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Randomize
