i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
We are taking shots for every green Lon-Capa box we get for the homework.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
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