did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Randomize
