I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
