I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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