the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
I just cut my nipple shaving
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
