Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
Randomize
