So drunk its hurt
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize
