need another drink. this is the easiest way
Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
