my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
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