i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
I need to calm my uterus...
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Why did my mother make you get naked?
Randomize
