There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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