it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
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