I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
