I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
Randomize
