So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
Randomize
