I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
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